The one in which Spencer faces his fears....

It's all about facing your fears. I refuse to be held back and not doing things that I was once made fun of because I was "fat. With the 10 year anniversary of having the gastric bypass rapidly approaching and being 14 pounds away  from the goal weight I sat when I had it. I've gotten this "refreshed" view on obtaining that goal.

5 weeks ago I started doing the Couch to 5K program. I've always hated running. That hatred stems from being "that fat kid in gym class" being ridiculed (or to use a more current term Bullied) because I was slow and couldn't keep up with everyone else. I've always had this fear about "working out" in public because of these deep rooted fears from my childhood and then into my college years.

Well, yesterday after some prodding from 2 really good friends I joined a gym! This is huge y'all. I went today for the first time to run on the treadmill with one of those friends. The good news is, I didn't fall of the treadmill (almost but caught myself). The other good news is NO ONE MADE FUN OF ME!

So, with that I will start facing more of my fears. What will be next? My fear of commitment and abandonment? I dunno. Stay tuned. More will be revealed.

The Blog that Spencer bitches....

I know this is gonna make me seem like a jackass, but I don't care. It's me being me. Exposing yet another layer of me.

When I make plans with you and we decide on a specific time, I will be there at said time and you showing up 45 minutes past that time acting like it's not big deal is like a slap in the face to me. Especially when you invited me. I do not buy into that whole "running on gay time" that is an even bigger slap in the face to me. So when you finally decide to show up, expect me to be pissed off.

I know that a lot of it has to do with my "fear of abandonment" which leads into my "fear of commitment". So the fact that I have committed to meeting you and then you are late make it even worse for me.

There it's out there. I've said it.

What are your thoughts? Am I really a jackass because someone doesn't have their shit together and "runs on gay time"? 

I don't put myself out there for a reason....

in every aspect, whether it comes to feelings about "that" to going on an audtion. I have anxiety about it. Why? Because I have a HUGE fear of rejection.

It all roots from my be still seeing myself as the way I was 10 years. You'd think that almost a decade and over 265 lbs later this would not be the case, well  IT'S NOT, IT'S A BITCH. (Mikie that was for you). 

Long story short most of you know what I'm talking about when I say "that", if you don't ask and if want to tell you I will. What has manifested this fear of rejection is the audition I went on yesterday. Well I didn't get cast and I am more upset about it than I should be. I didn't even get a callback. So, what was me sticking my foot back in the pool of auditioning has turned into me pulling that foot out and running away again. Will I get over it? And go back do it again? Only time will tell.

This pretty much sums up my feelings about it all.....

Life is like....

A sliding glass door, you never know which side is open...and then you run into the screen. Just a quick hand count, how many of you thought I was going to say chocolate?  Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Because it's true you can be going along just fine and dandy and them BAM you run into the fucking screen. That's pretty much where I've been the past. Running into the screen on a daily basis. With just about everything. I said yesterday in a post that Acceptance is the key. It's so true it's not funny.

Today, I've accepted it. Reached out for help with what I needed help, got what I needed help with.  The rest of it I had to turn over to Elaine and let her have it. A lot of stuff went into that box, a few people, a few situations and a LOT OF FEELINGS.

In other news, as most of you know I dipped my big toe back in the acting pool with a role in Drama Queens that closed at the end of March. I didn't know how it was going to be :"acting" again. I thought I had moved on past the "being an actor" thing. Well, I had so much fun. As a good friend said, once you get back out there that urge will come back. She was so right. It's back and I'm ready to dip my foot in the pool again. I've scheduled an Audition for Oklahoma City Rep's production of Larry Kramer's THE NORMAL HEART! If you don't know this show, you should! It is an amazing in your face piece of theatre about the early day of the AIDS epidemic in NYC.

So there we are. Watch out for those screen doors, they will get you every time.

Acceptance was the answer....

It's been a while, since the "blog heard 'round the world". I needed to take a break from it and come up with another angle. So here we are, me talking about ME and what's going on with ME. Lord I sound like an actor or an alcoholic. You choose. 

Todays topic shall be acceptance.

 "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."

It's been said to me that your high power will always give you something you need to practice. Well, in the past few weeks she has been making acceptance that theme. From my "lay off" to my "love life" and everything in between. Funny thing is I didn't realize this until this morning when I was doing my meditation. Sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake.

So here we are, me "accepting" the situation and realizing am powerless over everything...except my itunes. I can control what music I want to listen to.